The Journey Begins

Hello Dear Reader

 

Well, this is awkward. I don’t have the droids you were looking for.

I have thoughts though. Thoughts on why you are here.

Maybe you are missing something ,  maybe you are seeking something.

We may have something in common then because, dear reader, I am a seeker too.

My goal (and maybe your goal)- Seek happiness.

Seek happiness everywhere.

I love sunshine and rainbows and I wish that life would comply but as we all know, she is a fickle and tricky whimsical force of nature. I have experienced joys and sorrows and each time swearing that this is the happiest I have ever been or saddest.

The gift that we were given was the ability to feel. To feel with such depth and passion that is wondrous and daunting.  Happiness will always be around the corner. Its there, hidden in the mundane, small moments that you barely notice.

So my goal is to keep seeking it out wherever I am and to share it with others along the way.

Having said that – disclaimer ahead

This will not be a sunshine paved road with airy fairy advice on how to be happy. I’m not an expert. I’m just a girl living life the only way I can.

So expect posts on gaming, observations on living in a foreign country, reviews on old TV shows I have time to finally catch up on, posts on failed and successful attempts at cooking,  thoughts on work, thoughts on exercising, thoughts on thoughts…basically random shit because that’s where I find my happiness.

Happiness is a habit. Cultivate it. — Elbert Hubbard

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Nothing is ever truly broken

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I can’t talk about happiness without talking about heartbreak.

My first love.

Crushes were a regular thing for me, I used to think that I just fell in and out of “love”  easily.

Then I met Rohit and we were convinced that there was no greater love than ours. I loved everything about him and he was earnest, sweet and loving. Incredibly cute and attentive. He was from India and working in a restaurant, saving money and sending it home to his parents.

That was a huge positive sign right there to me. A guy who takes care of his family.  My mother liked him as well. She had met him and was impressed by his manners and kindness.

He always held my hand tightly and made me feel as if I were the only girl in the world. We had a language barrier at first. His English was limited but after spending two years dating him, we understood each other almost perfectly.

Sounds pretty average so far right?

Well, when I say we were dating…I should calrify that we went on half-dates.

He worked restaurant hours and never wanted to ask for time off. I worked nearby so I would dress up, walk over the store in anticipation of a date. We would spend lunch hour together, upstairs on the 2nd floor of the restaurant. Talking..making out and then back to work.

I would wait for Saturdays to have a proper date with him..and sometimes we did but more often than not, he would cancel.Afraid that his boss would fire him if he asked for time off.

Usually I would get there only to get turned down at the last minute with hasty kiss and apologies.

This continued for a long time and in that time, I would imagine our future together. I started making plans for us to move in together but…there was a small nagging voice and a picture I couldn’t see.

The voice questioned his lack of ambition. the half dates and the sadness I felt more often than not. He had very traditional views on marriage that I didn’t agree with but “compromised” on.

The picture…well I always wanted a family of my own and for some reason, I could not picture us walking down the street with a pram. I couldn’t picture him as the father of my children.

It seemed a small and trivial thing and I tried to put it out of my head but it bothered me more and more.

I won’t bore you with all the details leading up to it but one day I decided to break up with Rohit.

I geared myself up and headed to the restaurant. For a change, the manager was not there but had asked Rohit to be in charge and I had to wait for him to close up before we could have a conversation.

While I watched him work and interact with the other waiters, a feeling of love washed over me but I was still determined to end it for both of our sakes. Then a girl sat with me. She worked in the restaurant as well and she commented, “He never smiles, always just says OK”

I looked over, trying to see what she saw but I could read his face by now. I could see the pride in his eyes and the confidence. His shoulders drooping with fatigue but that smile..he looked over at me at that very moment and smiled at me.

I loved him.

Really loved him, I felt it , in that moment. This could work. I felt it in  my heart.

Fast forward 6 months later, we broke up.

More specifically he broke up with me.

Even more specifically, he cheated on me.

The pain I felt was almost too much to bear at times. He was not a brave person and he had chosen to ghost me ( this was before ghosting became a well known term). He had moved to a different town to work in a different branch of the same restaurant. Before the move happened, I had tried again to break up with him because I was sure long distance relationships didn’t work.

He cried and told me how much he loved me. How much he needed me.

He bought a ring and proposed. Or rather he gave me money for a ring and told me to pick one…yes that really happened.

And then 3 months into his new job, the phone calls suddenly stopped. The messages slowed down and I felt something was wrong.

So I called him and lo and behold, a woman answered.

“Who are you? ” She asked in a sweet voice.

“Rohit’s fiance…who is this?” I answered back but my heart was already in my throat. I could barely breathe as I tried to focus.

“His girlfriend.” she replied

I laughed almost hysterically and cut the call.  And I cried.

Hours later, he called me. Not to explain. Not to apologise.

To berate me, in stilted English, ” Why did you call? I love her too much. She is my everything”

Words he had used to describe me.

My heart ached.  It burned. It broke. I wanted to scream at him, instead I said ” Don’t call me again, go to hell” and then, ” I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. But don’t call me again,please”

I just wanted to make it all go away. The tears wouldn’t stop falling and the humiliation and blame followed swiftly. I cried in secret that night so that my family would not know. I couldn’t let them know that I had been dumped in such a way. So I smiled outwardly while I died inwardly.

That night or a night later, my phone rang. I was still crying myself to sleep and when it rang and I saw his number come up…oh my heart. My hands shook as I answered the call.

She had called me.  “Is Rohit a good person? ” She asked me in a soft voice.

“Please…don’t ..call me” I managed to choke out before throwing the phone down beside me and crying into my pillow.

Over the weeks, I pictured the girl in my mind. She was prettier than me, taller, sweeter, kinder. The perfect angel with soft skin and perfect brown eyes. She haunted me. In every random woman I met or passed by, I saw her.

I lost weight from being unable to eat. I cried and cried. Eventually I caved and told my mother who raged against Rohit and comforted me night after night.

My favorite memory was of us eating at a MacDonald’s. My mother was treating me to some of my fav junk food in the hopes of cheering me up.

But it wasn’t the food but what she said something that  changed something in me.

She said that if she could speak to Rohit, she would tell him that she felt sorry for him because he was losing the kindest girl in the world.

I cried again but this time it was because i was overwhelmed by love for my mother. That she could think of me in that way.  I was so grateful to have the unconditional love of my mother.

I started to realise that I did not have anything to do with Rohit cheating on me. That it was not my fault but rather his choice.

I want to say that I got over that heartbreak in a matter of days after that but of course it doesn’t work that way.

I was 100% certain that my heart had shattered into a million pieces.

Today I am happy to be wrong.

Time does heal all wounds.

I learned that the heart, my heart, has space for many loves. Infinite love. no matter how many pieces get given away , you will always have room in your heart to love.

Love for lovers, family, friends, animals, plants and the universe.

You will love. You will be loved.

P.S In breaking my heart, I learned gratitude.

 

 

Infinity War

pexels-photo-277052.jpegLet’s be real, by now you have scoured the internet looking for answers and consolation after the latest Marvel cinematic adventure…drama..saga?

You are going to find none of that in here.

Just my random thoughts.

Brace yourself. Spoilers…well vague references that possibly are spoilers. GO WATCH THE MOVIE!

I loved it and I would love it even more if it continues in the same vein. Don’t get me wrong. I cried buckets of tears throughout the movie. I sobbed my eyes out and when it was finally over, I cried just a little more.

But how amazing would this be if the stakes mattered?  As the credits rolled, I watched my SO barely blink. He stared intently at the screen as he was certain that it was not yet over. There had to be more.

In fact, as we left and I continued to mourn, he brightened up even more as he confidently said that they would all be back. There was no way Disney would let go of their cash cows.

I agree with him on that begrudgingly because for the first time ever, I truly understand what “pay off” and “stakes” mean in a movie. I have always been the kind of audience who is in for the ride, be it good or bad, be there a pay off or not. If  I enjoyed it, I accepted it.My friends on the other hand, constantly talk about the stakes involved and how death in a movie has no meaning and this usually ends with them being ultimately disappointed in it. I was always happy that X was back! Yay!

This time as I watched beloved characters fade into ash, it felt heavy and real and meaningful. There were no last goodbyes (apart from one cheap move – I’m judging you Marvel). If the next installment reverses this…then what was the point?

I want to see the effect this devastating event has on the remaining characters. I want to see new characters take up the good fight and I want to see a completely different universe flourish from the ashes.

This was a huge undertaking that started 10 years ago and will continue it seems as there are 20 or so Marvel movies lined up after Infinity War so there is a grand plan at hand but I hope it is a daring one and not a safe one.

BREAK THE WHEEL.

I love Mondays!

SAMSUNG

A fire had been lit but let’s be real. I wasn’t about to dramatically quit my job and begin a new chapter.

I still had bills to pay.

And yet, I still felt excitement. I felt alive and I wanted to keep it that way.

I did have a few obstacles in my way though. Some I couldn’t tackle immediately but there was one that stomped up to our open plan office every morning and made me feel like shit.

Let’s call her Anne. ( Sorry to the Anne’s out there) Anne was in charge of Customer Service and most of her day involved being on the phone a lot.  I was part of the accounts team so pretty much the direct opposite. I needed peace and quiet, she needed to soothe customers.

Our desks were set up so that we sat directly across from each other with just a small half divider between our desks.  If I looked up  I could make direct , uncomfortable eye contact with Anne. I could breathe in her coffee , we were sitting that close to each other.

This might not have been such a problem, if we got along but, such was not our luck. We didn’t.  Anne hated being there. She hated every moment and made it clear every single moment of the day.  The worst part of it was Monday mornings.

Anne would stomp up , slam her bag down beside her desk and growl in response when I would greet her. Of course, I would hunch down further and refuse to make further eye contact because I would take that negative vibe and wrap it around myself – it must be my fault, she doesn’t like me.  I annoy her.  I felt this was certain because the moment the phone rang, her voice would immediately brighten and she would practically sing and chirp with the blue birds…until the phone call was over. Then she would revert back to thunderstorms and gloom.

This was the case for 2 long years. I know that I should not have projected my insecurities over her actions and behavior…well I know that now. At that time I was miserable and welcomed misery.

But the fire had been lit, remember?

So I wanted to change things. I wanted things to change.

The most tangible change I could make right now, was to enjoy each day. Starting with Monday.

I wanted to embrace Monday. I felt that if I could learn to love it, the rest of the week will follow suit. I woke up every Monday and told myself – Yay, it’s Monday! A brand new day. Nothing has gone wrong. Its the start of a new beautiful week.

It wasn’t as easy as snapping my fingers and BOOM! I love Mondays!

It was a slow process but I had a small goal and I wanted to see it through.

How does Anne play into this?

Well, I started coming into work with a big, bright smile on my face and I would sing out ” Good morning! Happy Monday!”

Anne would glower back at me.

My greetings got more chirpier.

Anne stopped acknowledging me.

I continued to embrace Mondays. It stopped becoming a task and more like a feeling inside my heart. I began to genuinely love waking up on a Monday. The possibilities seems endless and I started smiling more naturally.  In fact, I couldn’t stop smiling.

Happiness was in sight.

P.S. I found happiness while annoying Anne.

 

 

Fiery Beginnings

Stress.

Just looking the word conjures up a list of things that might happen, might not happen, things I have to do, things I want to do but feel overwhelming.

At one stage in my life, stress was my only way of existing. I breathed it in, embraced it and let it take over my decisions. I was constantly crippled by what if scenarios and deadlines, some of it self-imposed. I worked long hours and spent very little time cultivating relationships with family and friends.

The incredible thing is that I didn’t even know there was another way of living. I envied those who seemed to smile so naturally whereas my smile felt as if I were cracking my face in half.  Those people who seemed to bounce through their days with so much energy and happiness. Happiness that had eluded me for so many years.

I had begun to feel as if a moment of happiness would be immediately followed by sadness and misery and I rarely let myself enjoy it. It did seem that way  at the time, but not because the universe was out to get me. It was the direct effect of certain people that surrounded me that had contributed to this feeling of gloom and unhappiness.

It got so bad that I got a mild form of Bell’s Palsy and didn’t even notice until a colleague had looked at me in alarm. During our coffee break, I had made a steaming cup of tea but couldn’t feel the boiling water drop on my hand.

I started experiencing numbness across my arm and part of my face. My right eye was also affected. The tear duct was damaged which led to me constantly using eye drops to keep it lubricated, but I couldn’t even feel the eye drops which would fall down my face just as tears would. I had a nervous tic, I was numb and I was deeply unhappy and believed that this was all what I deserved. Just another day in my sad, pointless existence.

Naturally I continued in this cycle until the next glorious event. I cracked my kneecap.

But not even in a dramatic way. Nope.

I tripped over some power cords and landed on my knee. I didn’t get it treated and fast forward a month or so, I was limping up and down the staircase, still wrapped up in my misery. Another month, I am using crutches and still believing that all of this on par.

Until one rainy day.

It had poured that day. Work had ended and all of my colleagues had escaped as fast as possible, leaving me to hobble my way out to the entrance to wait for my transport. There I was , standing in the rain, resting on my crutches and thinking about what our accountant had said, earlier that day.

Jokingly, she had remarked, “Well, I guess that fills our quota. Disabled, female, and of colour”

What the hell am I doing here? I am more than just those 3 words. She had probably not meant anything mean by her comments but the words just bounced around in my mind. It made me feel something. I felt alive and indignant for a change. This wasn’t my last stop. This wasn’t even full chapter. I wouldn’t let it be.

As the rain fell softly around me, a fire lit up inside me. I am more. More than this.

It had begun.

 

P.S. I found the first stirrings of happiness in raindrops.

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