You are a masterpiece.
Let that settle in your mind for awhile. It’s true. Everyone has their own unique experiences in life – we don’t even see colours in the same way.
I struggled for a long time to see myself as worthy.
Worthy of happiness, worthy of being acknowledged. Worthy of love.
Heck, I was sure that if I suddenly disappeared…no one would even notice that I had ever existed in the first place.
Here’s the thing though, I was always surrounded by people who cared for me and loved me but I was so wrapped up in my own misery and sadness that I couldn’t see them or even begin to accept that there were people out there who cared.
My friends and family were always there for me in one way or another. Looking back and reflecting on these moments, I realise now just how lucky I was.
Sure, we had some really bad moments but these were balanced by happy moments. Mundane moments that were safe and healing. Moments that at the time were no more than a passing thought but now are treasured and loved.
I loved those early morning car rides to school with my parents.
The days when I was on time with my mum and we would sit in the parking lot for a little while and just listen to music or talk about this and that. The days when I was always hopelessly late to school because my dad never left on time or would decide to take the scenic route or tell me, “Five more minutes, I just have this one thing to do”
I ended up in detention sometimes because of my dad’s chronically late habits and at the time I was so mad at him and the injustice of it all. I wished my principal would send my dad to detention!
Today I can thank my dad for taking me late to school because I learned from that experience – I always make the effort to be on time.
I am also grateful for the that time spent in detention because it was a whole other world to me. I met and spoke to students that I would ordinarily never be brave enough to engage with and there was the slight thrill of being in the “bad” crowd even if it was for reasons beyond my control!
I loved those lunchtime hang outs with my friends.
I was so quiet in these groups. I seemed to always be absorbed by large groups of friends but never really feeling as if I were part of the gang. I missed out on a lot by not speaking up but I gained a lot too. My listening skills and empathy were probably born in those quiet moments with friends who would confide their worries and fears to me. I wasn’t lost in the group , they knew I was there and they cared for me.
How do I know this? Well, later I am still in contact with friends that I had once thought would never remember me. I think back on all those moments when a friend would suddenly turn to me and ask my opinion or make a joke and marvel at how silly I was to ever think that I was not treasured or loved.
Sometimes we want to be acknowledged in elaborate and lavish ways, the most likes on social media, the loudest greetings, the most hugs, the most invites. That must be how I can prove my worthiness , right?
You were worthy from the moment you were born. You were loved and will always be loved.
It might not always be in the loudest of ways but throughout your life, those little moments care and love are weaved in and out of your life. People will come and go , always leaving a little something behind for you to remember them by. The same goes for you.
You have touched lives. You might not be aware of it but you have and will continue to do so.
You are a masterpiece in progress.
P.S. In losing myself, I found my worthiness.